Friday, January 8, 2010

Isn't it funny...

...the things that remind me of Mom. Recently there has been a facebook post going around about cancer awareness. They want women to write their bra color for cancer awareness (dumb since the posts don't mention cancer and anyone not in the loop has no clue that it's for cancer so how is it raising awareness??) and I'm tired of seeing the colors because every time I do I think of her. I've gotten so good at only thinking of her when I'm in a spot that I can cry and I'm thinking now I have to stay off Facebook until this all blows over. I miss her! I've heard them all, she's in a better place, she was needed there, she's finishing her mission on the other side, but unfortunately it doesn't help. Where could have been better then here with her family? Who needed her more then me! I miss her! I want a hug, to hear her laugh. I want to talk to her, tell her about my day, ask her my questions, and hear that I'm going to make it or she's proud of me. I know, I should know that she's proud, but would it be so awful to hear her voice one more time calling me Anna-roo and saying she loves me. Where's my direct line to heaven? I miss her! And now that I've ranted let me say that I know Heavenly Father has a bigger plan for all of us and my mortal mind can't comprehend it all. I know He is a loving Heavenly Father who will take care of his children and that he knows what I'm going through. I know it will all be ok and I'm so grateful that I get to be with her forever, but in case I haven't mentioned it sometimes...I miss her!


Piper said...

Miss Dean, With all the great work she is doing there, I'm sure she still misses you too.

Marianne said...

Annie Dear, I could tell yesterday on Facebook that you were in a rough place. I am so sorry. You put the tears in my eyes this morning. I miss her too but surely not as much as you, her daughter! She was my dear big sister, my friend, and almost like a mother to me considering our age gap! I curse myself for all of the time I let slide by without calling her more often. Hind sight is 20/20. I also curse aging because every time I look in the mirror I see her appearing in my face! Without makeup I look like my brother Dean but there is something in my smile and my chin that remind me of Sharon every time I look. Aren't genes funny? In that one photo of her with Trace outside I see Uncle Richard too! Of course they were the two blessed with the amazing white hair!

And here I am rambling on...because I miss her too. We just have to pull ourselves up and be sure of our faith. I don't know how she could not spend all of her time in heaven NOT looking down on your darling babies! I am sure she does!

Love YOU Sweetie! Call me anytime!

Jeff and Tenille said...

Love ya Annie! Sending hugs your way:)

Elizabeth said...

I sure love you Annie and I'm glad you got the gumption to write this post. It is good to write out your grief I believe. XOXOXOXOXOXO And yeah, the bra color thing was just silly.

Jalyn said...

I haven't been on the computer in a few days and I just saw your post. You're so right, the bra thing is the stupidest thing I've seen in a while.

Thank you for saying all the same words that I feel when I think of mom too. She was suppose to show me how to be a grandma and do the in-law thing. She was suppose to be there to for the four generation pictures when the my own grandchildren come. She was suppose to tell me to straighten up and flight right when I am being stupid, like only a mom can. I sometimes think I need her now in my life more than ever before because I am finally old enough and smart enough to listen to her and understand that she knows, better than I do, what needs to be done or said to make things better.

I personally DON'T believe that she had to leave to finish her mission somewhere else. That would mean that a woman on earth has more inportant things to do than be with her family and that is simply no true. I don't believe she is in a "better" place either, because what is better than being with your family. Family is Heaven.

So . . . Here is what I do believe. Cancer it awfull and ugly and mean and sometimes crap happens. God lets it happen because He loves us and he won't stop the crap from happening because we came to earth to be tested and see how we would handle a boat load of crap when dumps on us. I believe He cries with us in our loss because He didn't plan this all out and deside one day to to take our mother away from us, just see what would happen. I don't think I could love a God that would play such an awful trick on us. I believe Crap happens. He wishes it could be differnt and that we could have our mom with us instead of with Him. But He can't do that either. There is a plan in motion and we have to finish the test. He doesn't send the crap to us, but he won't stop it from coming either. So He gave us the Holy Ghost to comfort us while we shovel the crap out of the way and keep moving forward. He cheers us on as we stride for the finish line. He gives us every tool we need to get there. We just have to thank Him everyday for the test, even a hard, awfull, painful, crappy one, because the reward for passing such a test is eternity as a family. That is what I want. So I cry and pitch a fit and punch the wall behind closed doors and wonder, "why me" "why us"? Then I pray and remember the test. I pick myself up and do my best to be worthy of the prize at the end.

I love you Annie and I do know what you are feeling. I promise that it is not any easier because I had her around long in my life than you did. You may not believe me, but it is true. She left me at a critical time when I have son-in-laws and grandchildren that need me to my best. How do I do that? She knows and I can't pick up a phone and ask her. I miss her so bad it hurts my heart to think about her. Then I get worried that I'm blocking her from my mind to avoid pain and I don't want that either. I worry that my tears will make someone thing I don't have a testimony and yet I need to cry. There are days that I don't put on make up because it requires looking in a mirror and my face is becoming hers. I hate this test and yet I hate to think of what would happen to me if I fail. So I go on.

I love my Mom. She lives. She hates this test too. She is doing all she can to be there at the finish line for us when we arrive. I HAVE TO GET THERE. I love my Heavenly Father. He lives. He hates seeing how hard this test is on us. He has done all He can to get us to the finish line. I HAVE TO GET THERE!!!!!!!!!

Jalyn said...

sorry - one more thought.

I also believe that we will not be tested beyond what we can bare. I find comfort in knowing that God believes I can do this. And I do believe in miracles and in answers to prayers. I've seen it with my own eyes. So, didn't we have enough faith to heal mom for cancer? Yes we did. But the answer was still no. Why? I don't know. But I can't hate God for that either. :)

JAY- JEWEL -DAD said...

I spent yesterday in the Temple With Jewel and we both came away filling very good about the work we are able to do there.
All of the comments made here are nice and I am proud of Jalyn and Annie because they know the truth. And they will be fine
You have a long way to go to know how I fill. But I know that She wants us all to move forward in our life here and find joy in the life we have LOVE DAD

Zackira's said...

I am sad that you miss her. I love you!